“Walk Away” For Your Own Survival
Normalize starting over
Taking the step to leave a toxic workplace is not an easy decision.
In my own career, I have had supervisors both tremendous and terrible. There is a fine line between tremendous and terrible supervisors, and that line is called “self-awareness.” Terrible supervisors lack self-awareness, and as such, supervisees are embroiled in dysfunctional organizations with no solutions or end in sight.
Toxicity and terrible are definitely on the same spectrum, but while a terrible supervisor can be ignored, dismissed or avoided, a toxic supervisor actively dismantles your sense of self. I personally find that leaving a terrible supervisor is actually easier than departing a toxic one, probably because the toxic supervisor has picked away at your confidence and agency.
Quitting a job takes a certain amount of swagger. You believe you can do better and/or deserve better. The necessity to break ties with a terrible supervisor requires you to compile all the aspects of what has been boring, frustrating or nauseating you about a job and turning it into a motivation to act. Unfortunately in the case of a toxic work environment, you may lack motivation because you question everything about you, your value and your capabilities.
Leaving a toxic supervisor and workplace requires a community that will support you through the move, and when you are feeling down on yourself it is not atypical to feel that you don’t have a posse rooting you on or who will catch you when you fall. A toxic environment fuels one thing, a downward mental spiral.
Last week we learned of the tragic news of the death of Lincoln University’s Vice President for Student Affairs, Antionette “Bonnie” Candia-Bailey. Dr. Candia-Bailey and I never met, but the news of the toxic environment that contributed to her taking her own life hit home. And based on the comments and commentary on LinkedIn it hit home for many.* In one discussion thread, the poster, Tara Jaye Frank, put forth a strong sentiment, specifically, “walk away”.
I agree, we must walk away, and we must normalize the act of walking away, but how do you take that first step when you are demoralized? For me, what finally served as my kick in the pants to go was this: I am not going to let this place define me. My toxic supervisors were requiring me to be something I loathed, unethical. And that was untenable. Analogous to a splash of cold water on my face, I snapped out of it. It was time for me to leave.
Walking away is hard, it has a financial element as well as an emotional one. I always remember a friend who left a toxic workplace and went to work at a coffee shop. There she was able to reset. She had saved enough money to last her a set amount of time. The coffee shop provided health benefits, and as a cancer survivor, these benefits were something she needed. She did not hide her decision to leave her toxic workplace. She made it public to her network, executed a job search, and by her self-imposed deadline, she had found her way to a new job. She also stayed at the coffee shop for a while after starting her new job. You see, it was a nice side hustle and she had made some friends there. Not a bad thing.
When it was time for me to leave my most toxic place of work, I engaged with my network and before resigning I had another job in my back pocket. I was invited to return to a previous place of employment by one of the terrific supervisors that I had had the privilege to work with. The position? Residence Hall Director. The very job I started my career in Student Affairs in, 10 years prior. I was starting over. Sure, my checkbook and resume took a bit of a hit, but my psyche? Well, I needed this vocational reset more than I could admit. Colleagues reminded me of how good it was to have me on the team, my supervisor leaned into my skills, and shortly I was back on track, thanks to a better workplace and an even better therapist.
Bottom Line: identify when your supervisor is terrible or toxic. If they are terrible, make a plan for survival or departure. If they are toxic, first and foremost find support within your network and a mental health professional who together can help you maintain strong self awareness of your value and capabilities. And then, leave, and don’t look back.
*Note: In a future episode of “Office Hours with Dr. DeVeau”, tentatively scheduled to air on February 7, 2024, I will be interviewing scholars who have been studying and seen first hand the impact of toxic work environments on Black Women in Higher Education. More to come when the episode drops.
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Dr. Laura De Veau is Principal & Founder of Fortify Associates, LLC. Fortify Associates, LLC is unique in the higher education, not-for-profit, and public service market. They provide comprehensive workshops, program reviews and project management services with a combination of in-person and virtual delivery. Fortify Associates is committed to creating experiences that are unique to the needs and culture of each of their clients. Dr. Laura De Veau is a Visiting Assistant Professor at Boston College’s Lynch School of Education & Human Development.