56 Trips Around the Sun

Planning for the Final Third of Life

Family lore is that on the morning of my father’s last final exam from Law School at Boston University he left on the first train out of Quincy, MA to get to campus for those final last bits of studying. Mom was 9+ months pregnant and as the spirits would have it she went into labor soon after my father boarded the commuter rail. 1967 was a time well before cell phones. So, Mom called the Dean’s “Secretary” and informed her of the news and requested that she not interrupt my father in his exam. The Secretary waited for my father outside the classroom and on hearing the news, he took off running from Boston University to the Boston Lying In Hospital (now Brigham & Women’s). Dad missed his graduation because he had a newborn at home. A birthday on May 17 and working in Higher Education often means that my birthday celebration is a day or a week later due to my actual birthday being occupied by Graduation, Senior Week Activities, Final Exam Grading, Closing the Residence Halls, or any other number of activities and responsibilities. Clearly my dad missed his graduation, so perhaps my birthday’s ‘after thought’ status is my destiny.

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

This year I turn 56 and for whatever reason, I am more in tune with what is ahead than what is behind me. Recently I heard a wonderful podcast with Julia Louis Dreyfus and Jane Fonda. I cannot recommend it more highly. In the interview, Jane Fonda was speaking to me. She said that she has broken her life down into thirds. She is currently in her final third and living her best life, but it is something that she had to prepare for. She prepared mentally, spiritually, physically and emotionally. And most importantly she came to realize that, “No is a sentence”.

As I consider the 56 trips that I have made around the sun, I know that there are decisions that I have made - especially in the last 10 years that have had far reaching effects on my happiness, my sense of self and my priorities for the future. In order to make it to my 84th loop means I will need to begin to position myself for what that will require. None of this will be easy, and all of it will be necessary. 

Simplifying my life has been a priority for a while, moving to a smaller home 18 months ago was the first step. I got pushback from some who didn’t understand that when others in our lives were building, we were shrinking. I explained that we are a family of three and after our ‘quarantine life’ we were more aware of what we needed versus ‘wanted’. And, when the need and the want blurred - it became clear that smaller was just fine. Plus, our new walkable neighborhood was a more satisfying home for us and our needs.

While my home life and the new neighborhood gave me joy, I became less and less satisfied with my health. Everything hurts. But more than that, my balance was not good. I have always been a bit of a klutz, but my tripping and falling was happening more regularly. In the house, on the sidewalks, on roads. And then there was the brain fog. One night in class I was teaching and I completely forgot what lesson I was doing. I looked at the slide deck and it was blurry and nearly unreadable. The fog turned into a full blown anxiety attack with my fitbit in ‘fat burner mode’ even though I was standing still in front of a classroom. I made the worst decision possible - I looked myself up on WebMD. Do yourself a favor, don’t do that. Just call your primary care.

It was clear that something had changed in my life, and that was menopause. My doctor recommended that I see a gynecologist. I have started keeping a notebook, writing down symptoms, major doctor’s appointments, etc. I rationalized it by saying that this will help me keep track for better care. But, when I saw my gynecologist for the first time, I was self-conscious reading off all these symptoms. She did more than acknowledge my symptoms; she let me know that all the things I was experiencing are symptoms that women in menopause experience. As she said, “it’s not just hot flashes.” With Hormone Replacement Therapy, I started feeling like myself again. My brain is better. The fog has cleared - or is clearing. My strong mind is coming back. I am reading more for pleasure, writing, creating and planning. All in an effort to strengthen my mind. 

There is a belief that as we get older we get more in tune with what makes us happy. Spiritually, I am a woman who craves authenticity. If an experience, a person, a space is not authentic, then I’m less and less willing to let it compete for or take the place of the authentic energy that I require. Bottom line, my spiritual existence is’t suffering fools and it isn’t relinquishing my own happiness on the pretense of placating or being cordial. This is where the sentence, “No” will be most useful. 

As I mentioned earlier, my body is creaking, and I hate it. I am stretching, I am exercising, I am working to get stronger. But it’s taking time. In this time of body positivity, feeling unhappy with one’s physical condition is frowned on. I want to be strong for my final third of life. I want to live life fully. I want to be able to put my feet up at the end of a long day of walking and exploring in order to relax, not to alleviate pain and swelling. I need my body to be ready for the next 28+ years. And the work will be continuous. 

As I prepare for the final third, it also means that I will be making decisions about time. How I spend time, with whom I spend it and what qualifies for time well spent tugs at me. Of all the aspects of preparing myself for the next 28 years, this is the one that I feel the most emotional about. Time is money, time is precious and in the words of Boy George “Time won’t give me time”. Emotionally, when I am in control of my time, I am the most grounded.

So here I am, 56 years old. Looking at the life that has passed and what is to come. I cannot wait to say “No”, so I can make the most of the times that I say “Yes.”